What is going on with me?

There is so many thoughts and so many things that I want to accomplish or be apart of. I want to do something that isn't about me. I want to serve others in a way that is humble. I don't want to be so prideful but for some reason I have ingrained in me that pride is strength and I want to be strong because weak people get taken advantage of. That is so against what scripture says because Scripture says that God gives grace to humble. How do I make a difference in my train of thought between weakness and humility? I want to live in the confidence of God's promises yet the humility of Christ who died on the cross for my sins? What does that life look like? How do I achieve it? I am sick of God, Jesus, Bible Study, scripture memorization, and everything that goes into being a Christian just something on my To- Do list. I want FREEDOM! I want to live where the bondage of this world doesn't hold me down but I am free because of my faith in Christ.

My grandfather recently passed away and I went back home for the funeral. It was a very hard time to see the man that was the glue of my family pass on. I am able to find peace though in knowing that Heaven is a much better place. I guess I realized that there is lot of past hurts and pains there for me. I have moved on in my life but going home this past time really made me realize how different I am. I am the wierdo because my belief in Christ. My convictions hold me to a different standard and when people question my convictions I get nervous. There is still apart of me that is afraid people will see my sin. That they will judge me and in return I will not be an effective witness for Christ. I long for the day that all people will know Christ. That being a follower of Christ will be normal and the people who are lost will not be. It puts a drive in my heart to be more active in outreach. To loving my neighbor as myself. To putting God's desires above my own. It brings me back to the question of how long oh Lord will you hide your face from me? How long will I have to wait to know that what I am doing is exactly what you want from me.

The other part of me that is developing is my masculine soul. I am seeking to be a man after God's own heart first. Then I want to love my wife and be a spiritual leader of our relationship. What does that look like well I am still figuring all of that out. I know that I need to be the man that fights for being like God and fights for my wife. To let her know that no matter what I am with her through thick and thin. I will love her and pursue her. She is a blessing from God sent to me.

I ask for Guidance and wisdom. What do I need to do with my life? This moment, the rest of today, tomorrow, the rest of this week, this month, this year... as long as the Lord breathes breath into my lungs.... Thank you God for all you have done. Help me to keep fighting!!!